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Reviewer Ruth

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Chapter One

Todd, you are really bad at keeping secrets, you know.” Christy Miller let go of her boyfriend’s hand and stopped in the middle of their trek across campus.

“And who says I’m keeping a secret?”

Todd Spencer’s wide grin and dimple were sure signs to Christy. “Your face told me. All you have to do now is fill in the details. With words, preferably.”

“I’ll tell you over dinner.” Todd motioned for her to follow him.

Christy stood steadfast, folded her arms, and asked, “Where are we going to dinner? The cafeteria isn’t open until Friday.”

“I know. Just come with me. I made reservations at a quiet little out-of-the-way place. Come on.”

Christy raised her eyebrows skeptically. “You made reservations?”

The hot Santa Ana winds that pushed their way from the desert to the southern California coast every September grabbed the ends of Christy’s long, nutmeg-colored hair and drew the strands across her cheek like a veil. She brushed back the wisps from the corner of her mouth and noticed that Todd was looking at her “that way” again.

She had been home from Switzerland less than a week, but already Todd had looked at her “that way” at least six times. Maybe seven. His silver-blue eyes seemed lit by some inner candle, and she felt as though he was waiting for her to come closer and make a wish before the flickering light went out. Each time Christy had seen that look, she had turned away.

This time she paused. He’s waiting for me to tell him I love him.

When no words came from Christy’s lips, Todd held out his arm to her and in his easygoing manner said, “Well, actually, I sort of made reservations. Come on. You’ll see.”

Christy responded by slipping her arm around his middle. Todd put his arm across her shoulders and drew her close. They walked across the campus of Rancho Corona University in perfect step.

What’s wrong with me? I know I love Todd. Why won’t those three simple words find their way from my heart and burst out of my mouth?

They entered the open plaza at the campus’s center just as the sun slipped behind a clump of rustling palm trees. Filtered beams of amber sunlight sliced through Todd’s short, summer-blond hair.

“Over this way.” Todd led Christy to the edge of the large fountain in the middle of the plaza. Since classes didn’t begin until next week, not many students were on campus. Todd and Christy had the plaza to themselves.

“Do you want to sit here?” Todd asked. “Or over on one of the benches?”

“This is fine.” Christy sat on the fountain’s wide edge and crossed her long legs. “What about our dinner reservations?”

“We have some time,” Todd said. Then he quickly added, “Doesn’t this fountain remind you of that one we saw last summer?”

“Which fountain? One of the dozen in Salzburg that Katie liked?”

“No, I was thinking of the fountain in Rome,” Todd said. “Or was it in Milan? I don’t remember.”

Christy smiled. “When I close my eyes, this spot reminds me of the train station in Castelldefels.”

“Spain?” Todd asked. “There weren’t any fountains at that rundown train station in Spain. That place was a wreck.”

“I know. But close your eyes. Listen. It’s the palm trees. That’s what reminds me of the train station in Spain. That rustling sound.”

Christy watched Todd close his eyes and tip his chin [xhtoward the sky, listening. “Reminds me of Hawaii,” he said, opening his eyes and looking at Christy.

The sound always made Christy think that the trees were clapping. Now she heard the echoes of Hawaii along with Todd. “You’re right. It sounds like a whole row of hula dancers swishing their grass skirts.”

“Hula dancers?”

“Yes, hula dancers. Tall, slender hula dancers.”

Todd laughed. “Very tall and very slender.”

A gentle breeze swirled around them, spraying the evening air with a mist from the fountain. Christy tilted her head. “So are you going to tell me your big secret now? Or do I still have to wait until dinner?”

“Oh yeah, my big secret. What was it I was going to tell you?” After a thoughtful pause, Todd shrugged. “Guess I forgot.”

“You did not.” Christy playfully grabbed Todd by the shoulders and threatened to push him into the water. Todd responded by taking hold of her shoulders. “If I go in, you’re going with me.”

They laughed and play-wrestled until Todd’s upper-body strength from his years of surfing enabled him to overpower Christy’s best efforts. He pulled himself upright and, with his left hand, scooped a handful of water to splash her.

“Hey, don’t start something you can’t finish,” Christy teased, lightly splashing him back.

“Oh, you think I can’t finish a water fight?” Todd scooped up another handful of water. “Just watch me.” He splashed her again and again, his laughter dancing around her, riding on the waterdrops.

Christy’s next scoop of water was the biggest yet.

“Okay, okay,” Todd spouted, laughing and coughing. “You win. Truce.”

Christy blinked the beads of water from her eyelashes and brushed them off her cheek and chin.

“I got the position,” Todd said out of the blue. He used his T-shirt sleeve to mop his wet face.

“What position?”

“The position at Riverview Heights Church. They hired me this afternoon as their youth director. That’s my big secret.”

“You’re kidding! I thought you said they were going to hire someone who had graduated already.”

“That’s what I thought. But they had their final meeting last night and voted. I’m the guy.”

“Wow,” Christy said. “That’s really great, Todd.”

“They said they liked that I could lead music as well as teach the Bible studies.” Todd stretched out his feet in front of him and added, “I told them all about you, and they asked if you would be willing to teach the junior high girls’ Sunday school class.”

“What did you tell them?”

“I said you would.”

“You said I would?”

“Yeah. I told them you were the best teacher on our missions team to Spain a few years ago and how you helped out at an orphanage this past year in Switzerland. They can’t wait to meet you.”

“Todd, you told them I would teach Sunday school?”

Todd turned his full attention to Christy and seemed to try to read her expression. “You’ve taught Sunday school before.”

“Preschoolers.”

“Oh. Well, you were a counselor at summer camp a few years ago.”

“Those girls weren’t even in middle school yet.”

“Have you ever taught junior high students before?”

“No, never.”

“Well, you’ll love these girls. And they’ll love you.”

“Todd!”

“What?”

“Why didn’t you at least ask me first? I mean, what if I don’t want to teach the junior high girls?”

“Why wouldn’t you?”

“I’m not saying I would or I wouldn’t. I’m saying you should have asked me first before agreeing that I would make a commitment like that. It sounds like they hired you because they thought they could get three employees for the price of one—a youth director, a music leader, and a girlfriend Sunday school teacher tossed in for free.”

Todd straightened himself and looked confused. “You think people should get paid for teaching Sunday school? Is that it? You want to be paid?”

“No, of course not. You’re not hearing what I’m saying. I just ... it seems that ... well ...”

“What?”

“Todd, I think you should have let me think about it before you went ahead and made a commitment for me.”

“Oh.” Todd nodded slowly. “You’re right. I apologize. I spoke for you instead of letting you decide. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Christy shifted uncomfortably. “I didn’t say I absolutely wouldn’t consider maybe sometimes teaching or at least helping out.”

Now Todd was the one who sounded exasperated. “Are you saying you will teach or you won’t?”

“I don’t know. Let me have some time to think about it, okay?”

“Okay. Take all the time you need. Decision making has never been your strong point, has it.” The thought wasn’t spoken as a question but as a statement. Christy hated to admit it, but the remark was true. Still, it felt like a slap of cold water.

“Todd,” Christy stated firmly, lining up her thoughts and preparing to defend herself. “I think that—”

Before she could finish, Todd said, “Hey, our dinner is here.”

Christy looked out at the parking lot and saw a young guy walking toward them wearing a red-striped shirt and carrying a pizza box.

“Are you Todd Spencer?” he called out as he approached.

“Yeah, that’s me. You’re right on time. Thanks.” Todd paid for the pizza and took the box.

“Have a nice night,” the guy said and then jogged back to his delivery car.

“This is what you meant by having reservations?” Christy asked. “This is your quiet, out-of-the-way place?”

Todd grinned. “Cool, huh? Just the two of us. Perfect night. Great atmosphere. It’s not exactly the Island of Capri, but we have hula-dancing palm trees for our dining entertainment.”

Christy stared at Todd. She didn’t know if she should be charmed or bummed.

“I ordered their monster combo.” Todd opened the box. “Looks like they went a little heavy on the onions and bell peppers. You can take off anything you don’t like and put it on my half. Do you want to pray before we eat, or should I?”

“I think you better,” Christy said.

She did her best to hide her feelings, which still stung from Todd’s comment about her inability to make decisions. Yet the hurt hung over her like a shadow for the rest of their time together. She only ate two pieces of pizza and silently listened as Todd filled her in on more details about his new position.

When they walked back, hand in hand, to her dorm room, Christy said, “Sorry I got so stressed about the Sunday school thing.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Todd said. “I’ll be back on campus Friday to move into my dorm room, and we can talk some more then.”

“Okay,” Christy said. “Call me when you get here. Katie and I can help, if you want.”

He stopped at the front door of Sophia Hall and leaned over to give Christy a soft kiss. If he was upset or disappointed with her, it didn’t show in his words or in his kiss. “See you Friday.”

Christy found her dorm room unlocked and Katie, her red-haired best friend, standing precariously on a chair, trying to squeeze a small stereo speaker onto the top of their built-in bookshelf.

“Oh, good, you’re back.” Katie gave the edge of the speaker a whap with the palm of her hand and commanded it to stay in place. “Where did you and Todd go to eat?”

“He made reservations at a quiet, out-of-the-way place.” Christy flopped on her bed.

Katie stopped to stare. “Are we talking about Todd Spencer? Your Todd Spencer?”

“Yes. It actually was very creative. He ordered a pizza and had it delivered to the fountain in the central plaza, if you can believe that.”

“How romantic!”

“It would have been if I wasn’t such a bean head.”

“You? A bean head?” Katie climbed down from the chair but still was eyeing the speaker as if commanding it to stay in place.

“Yes, me. What is my problem?”

“Which one should we discuss?” Katie made herself comfortable on the foot of Christy’s bed. Katie was always ready for a good evaluation session.

“Forget I asked that.”

“Oh, come on. Give me a hint. Why did Todd come all the way here tonight?” Katie’s perceptive green eyes examined Christy’s expression. “Let me guess. He drove an hour and a half from Newport Beach because he missed you so much, right?”

“Not exactly.” Christy told Katie about Todd’s new position as youth director at Riverview Heights, including the parts about Christy teaching the junior high girls’ class and Todd’s comment concerning her inability to make decisions.

“Well, that is true, you know,” Katie said. “I mean, you have gotten a lot better about making decisions and everything, but I don’t think you should be upset with Todd for saying that. It was an observation, not a criticism.”

“Well, I am upset. I feel like crying my eyes out.”

“That’s probably because of the jet lag. You were in Switzerland for a year, Christy. Your body has had only a few days to adjust to the time change. Give yourself a break. That’s why we decided to move into the dorm early, remember? You were the one who said you needed a chance to adjust to all the changes.”

“Arrrrgh!” Christy pulled a pillow over her head. “I hate change!”

“Now we’re getting somewhere.” Katie grabbed the pillow and used it for a backrest. “Remember, flexibility is a sign of good mental health.”

“Oh, please!” Christy yanked at the pillow. “Give me back my pillow.”

“Only if you promise you’ll work on a better attitude about Todd’s new job. This is what he wanted, you know. It’s perfect for him.”

“I know. It is.”

“It’s a real job.” Katie handed the pillow to Christy. “A career. A ministry. Something permanent. This isn’t like all his random jobs over the years.”

Christy made herself comfortable. She knew Katie was determined to shower her with advice. Resistance was futile. And even though Christy wouldn’t admit it, deep down she wanted to hear what Katie had to say.

“This is it, Chris. This is the final stretch for you guys. It’s possible that both of you could graduate this year.”

“Only if I can figure out what I want my major to be.” Christy sighed.

“You will. When is your appointment with your counselor?”

“Friday.”

“That works,” Katie said. “You can sleep all day tomorrow to get over your jet lag. On Thursday you can find a job, and on Friday figure out everything with your classes and your major. By the time Todd arrives Friday afternoon, your life will be in order.”

“I wish,” Christy said. “It’s not always that easy, Katie.”

“And it’s not always as complicated as you make it. I mean, can I just say that it’s obvious God is doing all His God-things at the right time so you and Todd can get married and get on with your lives together?”

“Katie, you’re assuming an awful lot.”

“Assuming a lot? Moi?”

Just then someone knocked rapidly on the door. Katie hopped up and swung open the door. The visitor who came floating in wore a glowing expression. Her wild, curly blond hair cascaded over her shoulders.

“And just where have you been, Little Miss Happy Heart?” Katie asked.

Sierra Jensen, a fun-loving, free-spirited freshman, gave Katie an impulsive hug and then flitted over to Christy and gave her a hug. Sierra had been roommates with Katie and Christy two years ago when they had met on a missions trip in England. Despite Katie and Christy being older than Sierra, they were all close friends.

“I’ve been to the chapel.” Sierra twirled dramatically. She spun around to Katie’s beanbag chair and lowered herself with a poof.

“I take it you saw Paul.” Katie pulled up a chair. “What happened? Did you guys have a chance to talk?”

“Yes. Everything is wonderful now.” Sierra fiddled with the dangling silver earring in her left ear.

“Details, please,” Katie said. “Don’t leave anything out.”

“Well,” Sierra began, “you both know how everything was so disastrous with Paul a few hours ago.”

“Slightly,” Katie answered for both of them.

“Everything is perfect now. We talked and prayed together in the chapel, and it’s like we’re starting our relationship all over. We both have the same understanding and expectations, and it’s just right. Not too fast, not too slow. Just right.”

Christy smiled. I remember a few brief seasons when I felt that way about Todd. As much as I said I didn’t like it at the time, those stretches—when we knew our relationship was in a holding pattern while we figured out who we were and what we were going to do with our lives—were comforting and settling. So why am I nervous about making the next round of decisions in our relationship? I wish I could figure out why I feel this way.

Sierra pulled Katie’s beanbag chair closer to Christy’s bed and wiggled herself into a comfortable position. “After a whole year of Paul’s being in Scotland, now he’s less than an hour away. And we’re both in the same place in our understanding of our relationship. Finally! No unrealistic expectations. I can’t believe how I was starting to make everything so complicated.”

“Did you hear that?” Katie gave Christy a motherly look. “Why would you want to complicate things with Todd when it’s all finally coming together so naturally?”

“And did you hear what Sierra just said about unrealistic expectations?” Christy countered.

Sierra’s expression turned somber. “Everything is okay between you and Todd, isn’t it?”

Katie answered for Christy, “She’s afraid of the future.”

“I am not,” Christy snapped. “I’m just not ready to talk about getting married.”

“Who’s talking about getting married?” Sierra asked.

Katie raised her hand. “I am.”

Sierra’s eyes opened wide. “You, Katie? Who are you planning to marry?”

Katie laughed. “I’m not talking about my getting married. I was talking about Todd and Christy getting married. It was the topic du jour right before you knocked on the door. It’s the next step for Todd and Christy, and she’s afraid to make such a huge decision.”

“Katie, that is not what I said, and you know it.”

“Okay. What did you say?”

Christy sighed. Part of her didn’t want to discuss this with Katie and Sierra right now. However, another part of her had longed for the closeness of good friends while she was in Switzerland. She had even written in her diary how much she was looking forward to settling into Rancho Corona University so she could spill her guts to Katie and be open to her best friend’s advice. Having Sierra to talk to, as well, was a bonus.

“Okay, this is the whole thing. Just listen, please. Both of you. I promise I’ll listen to your advice, but first let me say what I’m thinking.”

Katie and Sierra leaned forward, their expressions open and warm.

“This is what I know for sure. I know I love Todd.”

“But you haven’t told him,” Katie jumped in.

“I said let me say everything first.”

“Oops.” Katie covered her mouth. “Sorry. Go ahead.”

“I know I love Todd, and yes, I haven’t been able to tell him yet. I know he loves me. He has told me he loves me at least a dozen times since that first time in Switzerland this summer. But, you see, to me there’s something really deep and final about telling him I love him. It’s only a tiny step away from saying I promise to be committed to him. Forever.”

“And you don’t feel ready to say that to Todd?” Katie surmised.

Christy looked at her hands. The overhead light in their room caught the corner of the gold ID bracelet Todd had given her years ago when he had promised that, no matter what happened, he would always be her friend. She ran her finger over the word “Forever” engraved on the bracelet.

Sierra jumped in. “Does it feel too final to you? Are you thinking that the moment you tell Todd you love him he’ll say, ‘Then let’s get married’?”

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

“He’s not going to propose to you on the spot,” Katie said.

“And what if he does? Why wouldn’t you want to marry him?” Sierra asked. “Haven’t you been thinking that was the direction your relationship was going all along?”

“Yes and no. Sometimes I think I’m ready to marry him right then and there and never look back or have any regrets. Then other times I look at him and I think, ‘Who is this guy?’ There’s so much I don’t know about him.”

“So? Give yourself some time to get to know Todd better,” Sierra said. “That’s what Paul and I are doing. Not that we’re even thinking about marriage. Neither of us is. We have plenty of time to get to know each other as friends without any pressure to make it more than that.”

“Right,” Katie said. “But Christy and Todd have already been through that phase for ... what? The last five years?”

Christy nodded.

“It’s time for them to make decisions, and sorry, Chris, but I have to say this. Todd is right. Decision making has never been your favorite thing.”

Christy didn’t feel as wounded when Katie said it. She actually found it easier to agree and slowly nodded her head. But something more lay behind her uncertainty over Todd, and she felt she was on the edge of formulating that very important thought.

Katie turned to Sierra and continued her analysis of Christy as if she weren’t sitting there. “Christy likes things to be planned and in a logical order. You know, ‘First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.’ ”

Sierra chuckled. “That is the way it works best.”

“If only a detailed tour book for relationships existed!” Katie spouted. “Todd and I discovered when we were traveling with Christy in Europe this summer that the best way to travel is with a plan and a tour book to guide you. You miss too much along the way otherwise.”

“Oh, so are you now admitting publicly that having a plan is a good thing?” Christy said.

“I told you that in Europe.” Katie raised her voice.

Sierra jumped in. “But I don’t know if love can always be planned and logical.”

“Right,” Katie agreed. “Nobody can make guarantees about the future. We have to take what we know and act on it at the moment, trusting God for the outcome.”

“I don’t know if I agree with that,” Christy said. “I think we’re responsible for our actions all the time, including the possible results of our actions.”

“Yes, but,” Sierra spoke in a firm tone, “there has to be a balance because we’re not in control of our own lives. God is.”

“And we shouldn’t be afraid of the future,” Katie added.

“It’s like that verse in Proverbs 31,” Sierra said. “You know, the one that says, ‘Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.’ ”

“I memorized that one last year,” Katie said. “Only my version said, ‘She can laugh at the days to come.’ ”

Christy pulled back and became somber. The important thought she had been formulating was rising to the surface and bringing sadness with it.

“What are you thinking right now?” Katie asked. “Your face clouded over like a thunderstorm.”

“You and Sierra think of laughing and rejoicing at the future part of that verse, but I worry about the strength and honor part of it. Committing myself to Todd is a huge decision. If I marry him, we’ll be together for the rest of our lives. I don’t want to let him think I’m ready to make such a major commitment until I’m sure I’m ready.”

“But you do know that you love him,” Katie reminded her.

“I think I know that.”

Katie dramatically grabbed her hair with both her hands and acted as if she were going to pull it out. “You said a few minutes ago that you knew you loved him!”

“I know. But try to understand what I’m saying—”

“I do. I get it.” Sierra stepped in. “I think I get it, anyway. You’re saying that you know you love Todd, but you don’t know if it’s the same kind of love, or a deep enough love, to be certain you’re ready to commit yourself to him for the rest of your life.”

“Exactly,” Christy said.

Katie burrowed her head in her hands and seemed to be taking it all in.

Sierra’s summary of what Christy was trying to say had somehow allowed the important thought she had been formulating to become clear. “That’s it! This is what I’ve been trying to figure out.” Christy leaned forward and paused, making sure she had Katie’s full attention. “I want you both to tell me the truth. Tell me your honest opinion.”

Sierra and Katie both waited.

“Do you think it’s possible to finally decide that you really, truly love someone but not end up marrying him?”

The room went still for a moment while the three friends exchanged glances.

“Yes,” Katie said, her expression completely serious for the first time all evening. “I think it’s possible to realize you love someone as deeply as you know how to love and not end up spending the rest of your life with him.”

Sierra slowly nodded. “I think so, too.”

Christy felt her vision blur with uninvited tears. “So do I,” she said in a whisper. “And that’s what I’m afraid of.”

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